After posting the September blog, we tried. To me this meant pre natal vitamins, and using ovulation predictor kits and timing things perfectly, and keeping my legs raised for like an hour after sex!
And it worked. My period was on the 18th of October, and on the 19th of November I got my first positive pregnancy test.
I can't tell you how It felt. Not without crying at least. I did a test and a digital one the next day.
I told my best friend, and my partner told his. It was early but talks with besties were needed very much!
Pregnancy was crazy, I cried at a picture of a Christmas Roast Pork at one point! and all I wanted to eat was white chocolate and chips with cheese and gravy!!!
We met with a midwife who was fantastic and talked us through everything and said we were really prepared.
Then after a few weeks of everything being peachy but me feeling run down and napping n cramps, it was Christmas!! So we told out Parents and Siblings by getting them Nana and Grandad Mugs and Aunty n Uncle socks! Everyone was made up and after Xmas day we told our other close family.
2 days before we were due to have our first scan we noticed a little spotting. Nothing heavy and I had no cramps so we text the midwife who said beast to get it checked out.
We went to the hospital and got checked out, the doctor did a pregnancy test and it was indeed positive, so this relaxed me for some reason. Then we were asked to go for a scan to make sure things were OK.
So we were both worried and thinking the worse in the back of your mind, but also half thinking this is it, the moment when we get to see our baby for the first time.
It really didn't help that where you go for your emergency scan is the same place everyone goes when they are having their dating scans or their sex scans! So there are a lot of happily pregnant women walking out of the room with their pictures of their growing babies inside them.
After the first external scan, the midwife told me my bladder was too full and to pee, so I did.
Then she did a second external scan and said she wanted to do an internal one.
I couldn't see the monitor but saw the look on her face.
She said it wasn't looking good, and asked me if I was sure of my dates.
We were 100% sure of the dates and she said she's not seeing a foetus, or at least not one that should measure almost 12 weeks. She explained about missed miscarriages and blighted ovums and said we were to come back in a week to see if there was any change.
as she left so I could dress, I saw the monitor. It was a sac, an embryonic sac with nothing in it. Completely empty. I'll never forget that image, that feeling of total and utter EMPTYNESS.
My boyfriend had to run n tell his boss he was leaving work and coming home with me, so I said go, im fine and I left the nurse and thanked her for her time and slowly walked down the hall, passed the maternity wing, passed the delivery suite and into the elevator.
Then I broke down, alone, where no one could see or hear.
Once on the ground floor I pulled myself up off the floor and straightened my face and left to meet my man outside.
We got a silent taxi ride home, and sat on the sofa together and talked and cried and watched movies for a few days until I started to bleed heavier.
3 days after that I chanced going out to a close friends birthday, but 20 mins before leaving, I had my final bleed. not to go into too much gore, but It was traumatising and the only thing I could think of was, I just had to flush what WAS my baby down the toilet.
Needless to say I broke again.
But for the sake of my friends who have ALWAYS been there for me, I pulled myself together as much as I could and I marched out the door and put on a brave face.
Only stayed for an hour or so and had to leave due to it being too much, pretending to be okay. A lot of the people there were not in the know about the baby or the loss and there's only so many times you can smile when inside you feel dead.
another 3 days later and the bleeding stopped.
I felt like my body was being kind to me, some miscarriages go on for weeks, but MY body must have know there's no way I could take it.
My heart would break with every bathroom trip.
So after two weeks, my tummy started to subside, my pants fitted better and I was feeling much better than before. and also guilty.
I felt like I shouldn't be feeling so good. I shouldn't be feeling healthier now than then.
I'd take feeling ill and unhealthy but being pregnant any time over not.
All I was thinking is, did I do something wrong?
Did i lift something too heavy? was it the shopping bags? Was it when I went on a cleaning spree, or when me and the boyfriend had a big fight n I was crying and stressing.
Now I know that blighted ovum is nothing to do with circumstances or anything I would or wouldn't have done.
It simply meant the baby got to a certain degree of growth and its chromosomes were not complete or strong enough or good enough to complete the process any further and they then disperse the foetus' mass back into the lining of the sac, hence the empty sac seen on the scan.
Now on the moments when I was being super brave, I'd say ... This just wasn't meant to be, it wasn't our baby, it wasn't our time just yet.
But i'd be thinking, that was it, that was MY baby, and Its gone now. That was our one chance of being a family and its gone and that exact baby will NEVER be born and will never live.
I cant explain the conflict and pain in my head.
A week after the first scan I had miscarried completely and had to have another scan, they said the lining of my womb was healing well, and I was lucky.
but after 3 weeks I had to return to work and normal life.
It was hard - I was on part time for a few days when I got back, but it helped me to focus and get back to reality.
After about 4 weeks the thoughts of...should we try again straight away popped into our heads.
On one hand it seems disrespectful and scary as hell, on the other hand, nothing had change, we still want a baby, now more so than ever.
The midwife had said its best to wait for your first period, so we tried to wait.
We had a few accidents Once or Twice before the period but nothing officially trying.
Then at the beginning of this week I finally got my period, 6 - almost 7 weeks after.
It's kinda a relief because I know its all still working down there, but it brought up the question again, are we gonna try in a few weeks when I'm ovulating?
After talking, I think were gonna go for it.
So that's where we are currently up to....I will try to blog more often, but as you can see, its been an eventful few months! lets hope we have a lucky few months ahead.
Rosebud x
