I Present to you...Baby Blob!

Okay, I have been FREAKING OUT about the scan and the past week has taken its toll on me.

We went yesterday and we were both a nervous wreck!

It didn't help I was crazy stressed anyways because my new car (which I had to buy even though we cant afford it because my old one was "dangerous") failed its m.o.t and needs a few hundred pounds of work doing!!

Anywho...We were stressed and nervous, and went to the clinic for the scan.

My midwife is lovely and seemed anxious for us and was being very supportive.

We went in and explained to the sonographer what happened previously n then she just got on with it.

At first we saw the sac, and I saw a little something inside it - so after last time, and after watching a million sonogram/ultrasound videos on you tube  This was very exciting for us, but we were still waiting to hear off her.

So they asked me about my dates and worried me a little when they said it was measuring small - I said I should be 7 weeks and 4 days today and she measured up and said oh....its actually measuring 7 weeks and 3 days....YIPPIE! 

I was so panicked that :
A. there would be nothing there.
B. If there was something there that they would be like HALF the size it should n have stopped growing or
C. I there was a baby there the right size that there would be no heartbeat.....

So She tried to then find the heartbeat, and struggled a little - After prodding me SEVERELY she found the flutter and it looked strong.

She then showed us the screen and pointed out the womb, and the embryonic sac and the yolk sac and the baby and the heartbeat.

A nice complete set :)

I couldn't believe it!! 

Here is my little Blob - It's not the best quality, but the photo is clearer and the scan was even clearer than that!! 

I asked what size the baby was - was it 11 mm or 10 mm? not possibly 12 mm and she said bingo - 12.1 mm - Then she jokingly offered me a job because I knew what I was looking for and was so prepared!

They printed our picture and we got up thanked everyone and went and sat in the waiting room to go over my file.

My best friend was there and  I showed her the picture instantly and told her everything was fine - She was SO excited for us!!

Of course I explained to the midwife we are really really happy , but we cant totally relax until after the 12 weeks, and she said... oh darling don't be silly, you won't relax until that baby is in your arms! 

She said You will feel better and you will learn to deal with each day but you're a mother now, and mothers always worry!

Shes such a little star :)

Anywho, Im really glad I have good news to tell, and hope to give :)

We told my family and they were ecstatic for us. 

We are just now waiting another 4 weeks until our 12 week scan!

THEN we will know for sure we are doing okay! :)

The midwife is coming round next week to sort out some things and sign us up properly and then the waiting game begins!

I will of course update you and be keeping my fingers crossed!!

- Rosebud 

The waiting game

This should be a short post.

I just needed to get some stuff out.

Right now I am impatiently waiting my scan, which is a week today.

All i keep thinking is that it's going to happen again.

I am feeling really rejuvenated and refreshed and energized, and that's making me really confused and upset because I shouldn't be feeling like this.

Im not even nauseas anymore and my boobs aren't as tender and Im not cramping much and i don't feel like an emotional wreck (apart from all this) I mean im not crying randomly anymore.

I just keep thinking....loss of all pregnancy symptoms at 6 weeks....is not good!

I mentioned this to my boyfriend last night in an off the cuff remark something along the lines of...."yeah, well It's not like I even feel pregnant, so im probably not" and he flew off the handle. He got upset and angry - which he does when hes upset.

I know I should be being strong and brave and I shouldn't worry until next week, when we know, but I cant help it. All I'm doing right now is worry.

I know I said I would be positive and be cautiously optimistic but right now, im not feeling it.

I just need to know, I just need to be reassured or find out the truth one way or another.

At least we will know soon rather than waiting until 12 weeks. even if everything goes well at this scan, the wait between 8 weeks and 12 weeks will be a long wait.

I feel like I've been waiting for years already. 

I really need good news on Tuesday.

Please cross your fingers for me. Im definitely crossing mine.   

- Rosebud

Scans!

Okay,

So since the last post I decided to share my blog online with the Reddit ladies on TFAB and BabyBumps.

I've been lucky yo have quite an increased number of views, and would hope that I have reassured someone or made someone feel a little better if they are in the same situation as I am.




Personally, since my last post I have contacted our community midwife service, and I was very fortunate to have been assigned the same lady as last time.

She was very helpful and very happy for us, and straight away asked us to go for an early scan anytime from 6 weeks.

The only space the clinic had available would be when I am 7 weeks and 4 days, so it would be perfect timing to see the little squidge.

We are still crossing our fingers, We are fully aware that we may have a perfectly healthy and normal scan, but before the 12 week mark something else could go wrong, because we don't know at what stage the last pregnancy stopped growing. We know I miscarried at 12 weeks, but they were unsure as to the timing of when it stopped forming.

Although I am actually feeling really positive, and I can't explain why, I just have a really good feeling about this pregnancy. My best friend said the same, last time we were both thinking something bad was going to happen, but this time its different, and we are very positive.

But the fact we are getting an early scan has slightly calmed my nerves a little. But as I have said a million times, I can't get my hopes up, all I can do it be as healthy as possible and do all the right things and give this our best shot and STAY POSITIVE no matter what.

Another development is that my best friend (who I don't think I have really mentioned much) is trying for a baby.

She started trying in January after my miscarriage - as it made her realise just how much she wanted one of her own, and she also thought she was pregnant around the same time, and was actually very upset when she found out she was not, again giving her the reasurrance that this is something she really does want.

Since then, I have been helping her, (Even though sometimes it was hard to deal with and talk about after my own loss, I love this girl n she would be happy for me no matter what) by advising her on timing and opk's and pre natels and such.

but sadly she has not had any luck, I know 4 months isn't long to be trying conventionally, but this lovely lady has some fertility problems, and after speaking with a consultant (she already had appointments about her ovaries and cycles before she was trying as she has NO cycles for years now) they refused to help her with fertility until she had been trying for a year.

Even then they said they would take a long time to do tests and guess cycles before putting her on something like clomid.

So basically it's not that she needs to have been trying for a year , because how can you try if you don't ovulate, it's that they needed her to WAIT a year.

So let's just say she was not in the best spirits.

Anyways as most of you probably know, there is nothing worse when you are trying for a baby, or having difficulties getting pregnant than your friends being pregnant, and even seeing strangers with their little babies.

So I felt just awful and guilty when she was telling me, n in tears and I could see her pain.

So I sucked it up n told her that we will sort it, and no matter what happens with either of us, WE WILL HAVE OUR BABIES!!

So we sat and talked and formulated a plan to get her on clomid earlier than the doctors will do, as that will solve the only problem she has...no ovulation! So in theory, should give her a cycle and an ovulation AND hopefully....a pregnancy!

 

Anyhow, it's all a complicated game, no matter what point of it you are at.

All me and my partner can do now, is hope and prey (something which I don't normally do as I'm agnostic, but have found myself doing more often) and keep our fingers crossed, and what is meant to be, will be!

Hopefully I will have good news in a few weeks after the scan, so I will update then.

:) Here's Hoping! - Rosebud x

BFP!!!!

Well the title says it all, but I will elaborate.

After the two week wait I was feeling sleepy, and slightly emotional still, and on Friday 29th of April I woke up and had no period!

So I was instantly excited, but cautious. I went about my morning and by the early afternoon nipped out to the shop to get a test and some bits and bobs!

I came home and tried to pee, but my body wouldn't allow it haha so I drank a full bottle of water and waited ten minutes.

After peeing and testing, I went to the kitchen, warmed up some lasagna for lunch and set the timer for over 3 mins....

Once the timer went off, I was so scared to go and look. 

I went to the bathroom and felt a huge weight over my body and felt as If I was moving in slow motion the entire time.

I looked at the test - expecting nothing like the test from early February or if I was lucky a VERY faint line like last time.

I was SO shocked when I saw a strong positive line!!!

It wasn't even morning time, when your urine is the strongest and best to test, and it was earlier than last time I tested - I was 4 days late last time and this time I was a few hours late with a stronger line.

I went into the living room to tell my partner, and simply said...."you must have super sperm because you've done it again!" and walked out to get my now celebratory lasagna! haha

He came in and gave me a huge hug n kiss n kissed my belly.

Since then, we have told my parents, and my best friend only. 

We had a meal with my partners family over the weekend but we decided not to spoil the occasion or to get their hopes up this early. However my (sort of) father in law was asking if we were trying again, and if he was going to be a Grandad any time soon. I simply said, yes we are and yes, we plan to make him a Grandad as soon as possible!

My parents were very happy and cautious and my best friend (despite trying for a baby herself with no luck) was very happy for us. I know how hard that must have been for her.

I don't think this has all sunk in with my partner properly yet, he is still acting as if it isn't happening and keeps saying, we're not there yet, or we don't need to worry about that yet. I think he is being very cautious and probably just the way he is dealing with everything.

I on the other hand am completely a mess.

I am counting the seconds until we get a scan.
Something which the midwife said we wouldn't be entitled to before the 12 weeks as having one miscarriage is not something that has a relevance with the next pregnancy, it doesn't automatically raise the chances of having another miscarriage. In fact getting pregnant within 6 months of a miscarriage or labour actually reduces the chance of miscarriage.


To elaborate on Anembryonic Gestation/Blighted Ovum/Missed Miscarriage I have the example here.

This show the top picture of an embryonic sac, without a fetal pole and/or yolk sac.

The bottom picture you can see the fetal pole/fetus and yolk sac.

At some point during an anembryonic gestational pregnancy the fetus stops growing, due to chromosonal issues it cannot overcome, and then disperses back into the gestational sac and your body may continue to think its pregnant, for me and many other with this condition until it is noticed near or at your first scan at 12/13 weeks.

This is what happened with me, and the top Image A is what my scan looked like.

However the statistics and midwife telling me that there is no reason for this to happen again doesn't stop me from thinking it is going to happen or being petrified of our first scan.

I am joining a community midwife service that we have in my area, and it means when I do have a scan It can be at a small clinic as opposed to the hospital again.

We have been looking at other options for early scans. We can pay and get an early pregnancy reassurance scan for £55 including a dvd of the scan! So that is definitely a possibility to help soothe my mind.

So for the next few weeks, I will be on pins, and praying to feel awful, because everyday I feel sick or tired or emotional I know I am still pregnant.

That's the thing last time, I didn't realise loss of pregnancy symptoms like nausea or cramps or overly emotional outbursts was a sign of Anembryonic gestation or early miscarriage, I just thought I was getting towards the 2nd trimester so I was feeling a bit better!

Anyhow, lets pray and cross our fingers that this is the one, this is it and by Christmas 2013 we will have our baby in our arms! Thats what were positively thinking, and just thankful for the opportunity to try again and that this has happened so quickly for us.

Please wish me luck :) - Rosebud x

2WW

For those of you who don't know the lingo - that means TWO WEEK WAIT, which is exactly where I am at right now. 

So after careful deliberation me and my other half decided we were going to try, and let nature take its course, so not OPK's no timing, just old fashioned baby making.

Obvioulsy I still have the love cycles app on my phone and it just happened to be perfect timing one day when we were trying.

So now I am waiting for next Friday - Easter friday, to see if I get my AF (Period/Aunt flow!)

It's a daunting thought, but we both want this, and it makes me smile thinking about it.

Plus im totally crazy already, and am convincing myself there are little signs.

We will see how it turns out but currently, I am sneezing ALL the time in the office, which I did last time, I am sleeping, constantly, like from 8pm until 7 am!! I want to eat caramels, and I HAVE NEVER liked caramel chocolate in my life! I would go as far as saying I usually hated it! and I am crying at nothing at all, maybe not as bad as it was when I was full blown pregnant and crying over a picture of a christmas pork crown in a magazine (I still have no clue as to why) but its still pretty emotional!


We will see how it goes, and I will certainly update you a little more regularly.

Half of me wishes I WAS pregnant, the other half is petrified that if I am, it will happen again.

But, nature will be! And we have to just let happen whatever is going to and what will be will be!

5 MONTHS ON...

Let me start this with saying I am not pregnant right now.

After posting the September blog, we tried. To me this meant pre natal vitamins, and using ovulation predictor kits and timing things perfectly, and keeping my legs raised for like an hour after sex!

And it worked. My period was on the 18th of October, and on the 19th of November I got my first positive pregnancy test.

I can't tell you how It felt. Not without crying at least. I did a test and a digital one the next day.

I told my best friend, and my partner told his. It was early but talks with besties were needed very much!

Pregnancy was crazy, I cried at a picture of a Christmas Roast Pork at one point! and all I wanted to eat was white chocolate and chips with cheese and gravy!!!

We met with a midwife who was fantastic and talked us through everything and said we were really prepared.

Then after a few weeks of everything being peachy but me feeling run down and napping n cramps, it was Christmas!! So we told out Parents and Siblings by getting them Nana and Grandad Mugs and Aunty n Uncle socks! Everyone was made up and after Xmas day we told our other close family.

2 days before we were due to have our first scan we noticed a little spotting. Nothing heavy and I had no cramps so we text the midwife who said beast to get it checked out. 

We went to the hospital and got checked out, the doctor did a pregnancy test and it was indeed positive, so this relaxed me for some reason. Then we were asked to go for a scan to make sure things were OK.

So we were both worried and thinking the worse in the back of your mind, but also half thinking this is it, the moment when we get to see our baby for the first time. 

It really didn't help that where you go for your emergency scan is the same place everyone goes when they are having their dating scans or their sex scans! So there are a lot of happily pregnant women walking out of the room with their pictures of their growing babies inside them.

After the first external scan, the midwife told me my bladder was too full and to pee, so I did.

Then she did a second external scan and said she wanted to do an internal one.

I couldn't see the monitor but saw the look on her face.

She said it wasn't looking good, and asked me if I was sure of my dates.

We were 100% sure of the dates and she said she's not seeing a foetus, or at least not one that should measure almost 12 weeks. She explained about missed miscarriages and blighted ovums and said we were to come back in a week to see if there was any change.

as she left so I could dress, I saw the monitor. It was a sac, an embryonic sac with nothing in it. Completely empty. I'll never forget that image, that feeling of total and utter EMPTYNESS.

My boyfriend had to run n tell his boss he was leaving work and coming home with me, so I said go, im fine and I left the nurse and thanked her for her time and slowly walked down the hall, passed the maternity wing, passed the delivery suite and into the elevator.

Then I broke down, alone, where no one could see or hear.

Once on the ground floor I pulled myself up off the floor and straightened my face and left to meet my man outside.

We got a silent taxi ride home, and sat on the sofa together and talked and cried and watched movies for a few days until I started to bleed heavier.

3 days after that I chanced going out to a close friends birthday, but 20 mins before leaving, I had my final bleed. not to go into too much gore, but It was traumatising  and the only thing I could think of was, I just had to flush what WAS my baby down the toilet.

Needless to say I broke again.

But for the sake of my friends who have ALWAYS been there for me, I pulled myself together as much as I could and I marched out the door and put on a brave face.

Only stayed for an hour or so and had to leave due to it being too much, pretending to be okay. A lot of the people there were not in the know about the baby or the loss and there's only so many times you can smile when inside you feel dead.

another 3 days later and the bleeding stopped.

I felt like my body was being kind to me, some miscarriages go on for weeks, but MY body must have know there's no way I could take it. 

My heart would break with every bathroom trip.

So after two weeks, my tummy started to subside, my pants fitted better and I was feeling much better than before. and also guilty.

I felt like I shouldn't be feeling so good. I shouldn't be feeling healthier now than then.

I'd take feeling ill and unhealthy but being pregnant any time over not.

All I was thinking is, did I do something wrong?

Did i lift something too heavy? was it the shopping bags? Was it when I went on a cleaning spree, or when me and the boyfriend had a big fight n I was crying and stressing.

Now I know that blighted ovum is nothing to do with circumstances or anything I would or wouldn't have done.

It simply meant the baby got to a certain degree of growth and its chromosomes were not complete or strong enough or good enough to complete the process any further and they then disperse the foetus' mass back into the lining of the sac, hence the empty sac seen on the scan.

Now on the moments when I was being super brave, I'd say ... This just wasn't meant to be, it wasn't our baby, it wasn't our time just yet.

But i'd be thinking, that was it, that was MY baby, and Its gone now. That was our one chance of being a family and its gone and that exact baby will NEVER be born and will never live.

I cant explain the conflict and pain in my head. 

A week after the first scan I had miscarried completely and had to have another scan, they said the lining of my womb was healing well, and I was lucky.

but after 3 weeks I had to return to work and normal life.

It was hard - I was on part time for a few days when I got back, but it helped me to focus and get back to reality.

After about 4 weeks the thoughts of...should we try again straight away popped into our heads.

On one hand it seems disrespectful and scary as hell, on the other hand, nothing had change, we still want a baby, now more so than ever.

The midwife had said its best to wait for your first period, so we tried to wait.

We had a few accidents Once or Twice before the period but nothing officially trying.

Then at the beginning of this week I finally got my period, 6 - almost 7 weeks after. 

It's kinda a relief  because I know its all still working down there, but it brought up the question again, are we gonna try in a few weeks when I'm ovulating?

After talking, I think were gonna go for it.

So that's where we are currently up to....I will try to blog more often, but as you can see, its been an eventful few months! lets hope we have a lucky few months ahead.

Rosebud x

Step 1. Convincing my other half....

Okay,

Most people by the age of 24 know what they want for their lives.

They want to be a doctor, or a sailor, or work in finance or whatever, and they aim for that.
By going to university, or joining the forces, or getting a job and working their way up.

For me, what I want isn't something I thought I could work towards.

For as long as I can remember, all I've wanted for myself is to be a mum.
I don't mind about my career (so long as I'm financially stable) and I don't mind about my status or my reputation in the business world, all I want is a family of my own.

And as far as I was aware this wasn't something I could work towards. There's not college, no way of earning it, it just has to be the right person, the right time and bam...my dream would come true.

But very recently I found out that wasn't the case for me anymore.


Me and my partner have been together since late 2010 and have lived together since March 2012.
He is a good man, and one of the kindest, most honest and genuine souls I have ever met.

About 4 months ago, we lost a friend of ours. At the age of 22 and 24 that is not something that under normal circumstances would have to think about/ deal with, but we did and we have.

Following the days after finding out, a lot of our friends went through a stage on enlightenment, and awe of life. We all wanted to make amens and live life to the fullest. 

One friend moved away to Europe, one got engaged to be married, and me and my other half discussed our relationship and our life together.

We talked about marriage and where we were going, and it was clear we were both on the same page.


So a few months pass, a few jokes about engagement, a bit of sneaky girl suggestion (as we do so often!) and we move on to the talk of babies, after one of my close friends had her 3rd and I was the most broody I have ever been. And for the record, I am extremely broody, all the time, but this was broodiness on steroids!

It was something we both have talked about before after a pregnancy scare early in the relationship, and we knew we wanted kids, and we would be there for each other should the situation arise.

But recently, 4 of my friends have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) a disorder which up to 1 in 5 woman are diagnosed with these days!

It basically means you have a harder chance of getting pregnant, and if you do a higher chance of miscarriage along with some other lovely side affects.

Diagram of PCOS Ovary

Pretty nasty stuff really! Now I have not yet been checked for this syndrome. But I already know I have a 50% chance of having it.

My mother was diagnosed with it about 7/8 years ago, and it can be hereditary. 

These facts played a heavy part in the up coming decision!

So me and my other half have been discussing this recently, and I am awaiting a doctors appointment to get checked out.

In the meantime, we have decided to start trying for a baby.

My logic is, if I DO have the syndrome, It could take me years to get pregnant, and more time to have a healthy and full term pregnancy. (Although my mother was told, back in the 70's she would never have children, and had 11 miscarriages herself and then went on to have My sister, My brother a year later, and Me 10 years after him! So It's not impossible. Personally I wouldn't rule out other means too. Such as Hormone treatments, IVF and even Adoption to achieve my dream.

And if I DON'T have it, It could take months to conceive naturally anyways, and then its 9, almost 10 months until you have a baby in your arms! 

So either way, it is not an overnight process. It takes time.

Turning 25 in 4 months also is a factor. I know that women are most fertile in their 20's and if you leave it too late you can significantly reduce your fertility rates and that's not an obsticle I'm willing to purposely place in front of me for this journey!

So after saying...pretty much this to my other half, and laying my dreams and fears on the table, he agreed.

He said we can try, and went on to say it would be nice to know that our baby would be planned, and that when we did get pregnant that it would be something to celebrate instead of a shock/surprise. He said he wasn't ready right this second to be a father, but he understands that it's not something that happens quickly and I also told him, some men don't feel ready until they hold their child in their arms for the first time! And even then some don't feel ready! That's fair enough. But I am more than ready.

I also told him how much of an amazing father I think he would be and how he is already a natural (after seeing him with my friends child recently) and how I can't wait to have a little piece of me and him to nurture and love and guide through life.

So, now we are officially trying.

I am about to start a healthier diet, and fill myself with the right vitamins and nutrient to help fertility, and stocking up on ovulation test and going to the doctors to get checked for PCOS and most importantly (and most enjoyably) having lots and lots of baby making sex!!!

So I thought I would share my experiences, and see how we get along. I'll update this when we have any news, from the doctors, from the ovulation tests, and hopefully when we have two little blue lines to blog/brag about!

Keeping my fingers crossed, and my legs not - Rosebud x