2WW

For those of you who don't know the lingo - that means TWO WEEK WAIT, which is exactly where I am at right now. 

So after careful deliberation me and my other half decided we were going to try, and let nature take its course, so not OPK's no timing, just old fashioned baby making.

Obvioulsy I still have the love cycles app on my phone and it just happened to be perfect timing one day when we were trying.

So now I am waiting for next Friday - Easter friday, to see if I get my AF (Period/Aunt flow!)

It's a daunting thought, but we both want this, and it makes me smile thinking about it.

Plus im totally crazy already, and am convincing myself there are little signs.

We will see how it turns out but currently, I am sneezing ALL the time in the office, which I did last time, I am sleeping, constantly, like from 8pm until 7 am!! I want to eat caramels, and I HAVE NEVER liked caramel chocolate in my life! I would go as far as saying I usually hated it! and I am crying at nothing at all, maybe not as bad as it was when I was full blown pregnant and crying over a picture of a christmas pork crown in a magazine (I still have no clue as to why) but its still pretty emotional!


We will see how it goes, and I will certainly update you a little more regularly.

Half of me wishes I WAS pregnant, the other half is petrified that if I am, it will happen again.

But, nature will be! And we have to just let happen whatever is going to and what will be will be!

5 MONTHS ON...

Let me start this with saying I am not pregnant right now.

After posting the September blog, we tried. To me this meant pre natal vitamins, and using ovulation predictor kits and timing things perfectly, and keeping my legs raised for like an hour after sex!

And it worked. My period was on the 18th of October, and on the 19th of November I got my first positive pregnancy test.

I can't tell you how It felt. Not without crying at least. I did a test and a digital one the next day.

I told my best friend, and my partner told his. It was early but talks with besties were needed very much!

Pregnancy was crazy, I cried at a picture of a Christmas Roast Pork at one point! and all I wanted to eat was white chocolate and chips with cheese and gravy!!!

We met with a midwife who was fantastic and talked us through everything and said we were really prepared.

Then after a few weeks of everything being peachy but me feeling run down and napping n cramps, it was Christmas!! So we told out Parents and Siblings by getting them Nana and Grandad Mugs and Aunty n Uncle socks! Everyone was made up and after Xmas day we told our other close family.

2 days before we were due to have our first scan we noticed a little spotting. Nothing heavy and I had no cramps so we text the midwife who said beast to get it checked out. 

We went to the hospital and got checked out, the doctor did a pregnancy test and it was indeed positive, so this relaxed me for some reason. Then we were asked to go for a scan to make sure things were OK.

So we were both worried and thinking the worse in the back of your mind, but also half thinking this is it, the moment when we get to see our baby for the first time. 

It really didn't help that where you go for your emergency scan is the same place everyone goes when they are having their dating scans or their sex scans! So there are a lot of happily pregnant women walking out of the room with their pictures of their growing babies inside them.

After the first external scan, the midwife told me my bladder was too full and to pee, so I did.

Then she did a second external scan and said she wanted to do an internal one.

I couldn't see the monitor but saw the look on her face.

She said it wasn't looking good, and asked me if I was sure of my dates.

We were 100% sure of the dates and she said she's not seeing a foetus, or at least not one that should measure almost 12 weeks. She explained about missed miscarriages and blighted ovums and said we were to come back in a week to see if there was any change.

as she left so I could dress, I saw the monitor. It was a sac, an embryonic sac with nothing in it. Completely empty. I'll never forget that image, that feeling of total and utter EMPTYNESS.

My boyfriend had to run n tell his boss he was leaving work and coming home with me, so I said go, im fine and I left the nurse and thanked her for her time and slowly walked down the hall, passed the maternity wing, passed the delivery suite and into the elevator.

Then I broke down, alone, where no one could see or hear.

Once on the ground floor I pulled myself up off the floor and straightened my face and left to meet my man outside.

We got a silent taxi ride home, and sat on the sofa together and talked and cried and watched movies for a few days until I started to bleed heavier.

3 days after that I chanced going out to a close friends birthday, but 20 mins before leaving, I had my final bleed. not to go into too much gore, but It was traumatising  and the only thing I could think of was, I just had to flush what WAS my baby down the toilet.

Needless to say I broke again.

But for the sake of my friends who have ALWAYS been there for me, I pulled myself together as much as I could and I marched out the door and put on a brave face.

Only stayed for an hour or so and had to leave due to it being too much, pretending to be okay. A lot of the people there were not in the know about the baby or the loss and there's only so many times you can smile when inside you feel dead.

another 3 days later and the bleeding stopped.

I felt like my body was being kind to me, some miscarriages go on for weeks, but MY body must have know there's no way I could take it. 

My heart would break with every bathroom trip.

So after two weeks, my tummy started to subside, my pants fitted better and I was feeling much better than before. and also guilty.

I felt like I shouldn't be feeling so good. I shouldn't be feeling healthier now than then.

I'd take feeling ill and unhealthy but being pregnant any time over not.

All I was thinking is, did I do something wrong?

Did i lift something too heavy? was it the shopping bags? Was it when I went on a cleaning spree, or when me and the boyfriend had a big fight n I was crying and stressing.

Now I know that blighted ovum is nothing to do with circumstances or anything I would or wouldn't have done.

It simply meant the baby got to a certain degree of growth and its chromosomes were not complete or strong enough or good enough to complete the process any further and they then disperse the foetus' mass back into the lining of the sac, hence the empty sac seen on the scan.

Now on the moments when I was being super brave, I'd say ... This just wasn't meant to be, it wasn't our baby, it wasn't our time just yet.

But i'd be thinking, that was it, that was MY baby, and Its gone now. That was our one chance of being a family and its gone and that exact baby will NEVER be born and will never live.

I cant explain the conflict and pain in my head. 

A week after the first scan I had miscarried completely and had to have another scan, they said the lining of my womb was healing well, and I was lucky.

but after 3 weeks I had to return to work and normal life.

It was hard - I was on part time for a few days when I got back, but it helped me to focus and get back to reality.

After about 4 weeks the thoughts of...should we try again straight away popped into our heads.

On one hand it seems disrespectful and scary as hell, on the other hand, nothing had change, we still want a baby, now more so than ever.

The midwife had said its best to wait for your first period, so we tried to wait.

We had a few accidents Once or Twice before the period but nothing officially trying.

Then at the beginning of this week I finally got my period, 6 - almost 7 weeks after. 

It's kinda a relief  because I know its all still working down there, but it brought up the question again, are we gonna try in a few weeks when I'm ovulating?

After talking, I think were gonna go for it.

So that's where we are currently up to....I will try to blog more often, but as you can see, its been an eventful few months! lets hope we have a lucky few months ahead.

Rosebud x

Step 1. Convincing my other half....

Okay,

Most people by the age of 24 know what they want for their lives.

They want to be a doctor, or a sailor, or work in finance or whatever, and they aim for that.
By going to university, or joining the forces, or getting a job and working their way up.

For me, what I want isn't something I thought I could work towards.

For as long as I can remember, all I've wanted for myself is to be a mum.
I don't mind about my career (so long as I'm financially stable) and I don't mind about my status or my reputation in the business world, all I want is a family of my own.

And as far as I was aware this wasn't something I could work towards. There's not college, no way of earning it, it just has to be the right person, the right time and bam...my dream would come true.

But very recently I found out that wasn't the case for me anymore.


Me and my partner have been together since late 2010 and have lived together since March 2012.
He is a good man, and one of the kindest, most honest and genuine souls I have ever met.

About 4 months ago, we lost a friend of ours. At the age of 22 and 24 that is not something that under normal circumstances would have to think about/ deal with, but we did and we have.

Following the days after finding out, a lot of our friends went through a stage on enlightenment, and awe of life. We all wanted to make amens and live life to the fullest. 

One friend moved away to Europe, one got engaged to be married, and me and my other half discussed our relationship and our life together.

We talked about marriage and where we were going, and it was clear we were both on the same page.


So a few months pass, a few jokes about engagement, a bit of sneaky girl suggestion (as we do so often!) and we move on to the talk of babies, after one of my close friends had her 3rd and I was the most broody I have ever been. And for the record, I am extremely broody, all the time, but this was broodiness on steroids!

It was something we both have talked about before after a pregnancy scare early in the relationship, and we knew we wanted kids, and we would be there for each other should the situation arise.

But recently, 4 of my friends have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) a disorder which up to 1 in 5 woman are diagnosed with these days!

It basically means you have a harder chance of getting pregnant, and if you do a higher chance of miscarriage along with some other lovely side affects.

Diagram of PCOS Ovary

Pretty nasty stuff really! Now I have not yet been checked for this syndrome. But I already know I have a 50% chance of having it.

My mother was diagnosed with it about 7/8 years ago, and it can be hereditary. 

These facts played a heavy part in the up coming decision!

So me and my other half have been discussing this recently, and I am awaiting a doctors appointment to get checked out.

In the meantime, we have decided to start trying for a baby.

My logic is, if I DO have the syndrome, It could take me years to get pregnant, and more time to have a healthy and full term pregnancy. (Although my mother was told, back in the 70's she would never have children, and had 11 miscarriages herself and then went on to have My sister, My brother a year later, and Me 10 years after him! So It's not impossible. Personally I wouldn't rule out other means too. Such as Hormone treatments, IVF and even Adoption to achieve my dream.

And if I DON'T have it, It could take months to conceive naturally anyways, and then its 9, almost 10 months until you have a baby in your arms! 

So either way, it is not an overnight process. It takes time.

Turning 25 in 4 months also is a factor. I know that women are most fertile in their 20's and if you leave it too late you can significantly reduce your fertility rates and that's not an obsticle I'm willing to purposely place in front of me for this journey!

So after saying...pretty much this to my other half, and laying my dreams and fears on the table, he agreed.

He said we can try, and went on to say it would be nice to know that our baby would be planned, and that when we did get pregnant that it would be something to celebrate instead of a shock/surprise. He said he wasn't ready right this second to be a father, but he understands that it's not something that happens quickly and I also told him, some men don't feel ready until they hold their child in their arms for the first time! And even then some don't feel ready! That's fair enough. But I am more than ready.

I also told him how much of an amazing father I think he would be and how he is already a natural (after seeing him with my friends child recently) and how I can't wait to have a little piece of me and him to nurture and love and guide through life.

So, now we are officially trying.

I am about to start a healthier diet, and fill myself with the right vitamins and nutrient to help fertility, and stocking up on ovulation test and going to the doctors to get checked for PCOS and most importantly (and most enjoyably) having lots and lots of baby making sex!!!

So I thought I would share my experiences, and see how we get along. I'll update this when we have any news, from the doctors, from the ovulation tests, and hopefully when we have two little blue lines to blog/brag about!

Keeping my fingers crossed, and my legs not - Rosebud x